When you have made the decision to divorce, it’s important to realize that you have several options in moving forward. Be wary of an attorney who has a “one size fits all” attitude – your case is unique and may be suited for an option other than the typical one of going straight to court. Here is a brief overview of the different processes to consider:
Advantages: Quick and inexpensive
Disadvantages: No professional advice from an attorney (or only one spouse obtains professional advice) of legal rights and options; no formal method of information gathering (“discovery”) to ensure your spouse is being honest with financial information
Advantages: No court involvement; structured negotiation process; couple has control over all decisions
Disadvantages: Could become costly if you pay a mediator and two attorneys; a spouse that is controlling and/or abusive may take advantage of the other spouse during the process (i.e., there is an imbalance of power); no formal method of discovery Continue reading »
If you are contemplating divorce, financial advisor Lisa M. Gabriel of Axius Financial believes that there are concrete steps you can take before initiating a divorce to help lessen the turmoil of the divorce process.
The following advice is contained in her guide for clients going through a divorce:
The Wall Street Journal reported in ”The Gray Divorcés” in its March 3-4, 2012 issue that the divorce rate for people age 50 and over has doubled in the past two decades. Interestingly, one in 10 divorces was for couples over age 50 in 1990 and this number has drastically increased to one in four in 2009. And this has occurred in a time when the overall national divorce rate has declined since the 1980s. These statistics are based upon research by sociologists Susan Brown and I-Fen Lin of Bowling Green State University. What is happening?
One reason is simply that people live longer. Some of the marriages that would have ended due to death of a spouse are now ending in divorce.
Sociologists argue that baby boomers are the first generation that entered into marriage with different expectations from previous generations. They looked to marriage as a way to have individual fulfillment as opposed to how well each individual fulfilled their marital roles. Previously, husbands were the providers and wives were the homemakers and child-rearers. There was no thought to separate oneself as distinct from the role of provider or homemaker.
Also, 53% of people over age 50 that are getting divorced have been divorced at least once before. Your risk of divorce in your second marriage doubles between the ages of 50-64. If you are over age 65, the risk quadruples.
Empty nest syndrome seems to play a large role as well. With the children out of the house, people that are unhappily married realize they don’t want to spend the next 25 to 35 years together. And with longer lifespans, one or both spouses – usually the woman – decide that they want out of the marriage.
It may not be a good decision for them in today’s economy: cost of housing, continuing education, cost for raising children, etc. And there are other risks, too, such as losing close relationships with some or all of the children. As with marriages at any stage, reconciliation is still the best option if at all possible through counseling.
But the women say they are happier divorced. Over 80% rate themselves 5 or higher on a scale of 1-10, with 56% at a level of 8-10.
With that said, all indications are that the trend will continue, and by 2030 there will be 800,000 divorces annually for those in the over-50 age group.
Posted by Attorney Sophya Qureshi Raza. Raza practices family law where she effectively guides clients through dissolution of marriage, modifications of prior judgments, and resolving child custody and paternity disputes. She also helps families with legal guardianships and conservatorships for the elderly and disabled.
In their article “9 Nasty Things That Divorcing Spouses Say to One Another,” J. Richard Kulerski and Kari Cornelison explain nine of the threatening tactics most used by one spouse against another in a divorce.
I often have clients calling in a panic over one of these statements.
It is important to realize that the vast majority of these comments are not true, will likely never happen and are a result of your spouse trying to control you and the situation.
As always, consult your attorney before giving away the farm because you feel threatened.
Posted by Attorney Sophya Qureshi Raza. Raza practices family law where she effectively guides clients through dissolution of marriage, modifications of prior judgments, and resolving child custody and paternity disputes. She also helps families with legal guardianships and conservatorships for the elderly and disabled.
In her article “9 Questions to Keep Your Divorce Lawyer Honest,” Diane Mercer (attorney, mediator and author) advocates asking specific and tough questions of your divorce attorney.
I think these are wonderful questions to ask BEFORE you hire an attorney.
Beware of the attorney that says that there is no worst case scenario, that your case has a slam dunk argument, or that he/she is 100% certain your argument will prevail. This type of attorney just wants your money.
Any competent attorney knows that the outcome of a divorce is never guaranteed or certain and should be more than willing to give you honest answers to these questions.
As a client, having your expectations set prior to litigation is essential to help you manage your emotions and expectations during the process.
Posted by Attorney Sophya Qureshi Raza. Raza practices family law where she effectively guides clients through dissolution of marriage, modifications of prior judgments, and resolving child custody and paternity disputes. She also helps families with legal guardianships and conservatorships for the elderly and disabled.
Here are some good tips to keep in mind when searching for a Family Law Attorney from the Huffington Post.
Posted by Attorney Sophya Qureshi Raza. Raza practices family law where she effectively guides clients through dissolution of marriage, modifications of prior judgments, and resolving child custody and paternity disputes. She also helps families with legal guardianships and conservatorships for the elderly and disabled.
I am asked this question quite a bit from prospective clients. Many of them believe that hiring an attorney who is a “pit bull” (i.e., aggressive, demanding, and litigious) will serve them well in their family law case. This belief could not be further from the truth.
An effective family law attorney knows when to be aggressive, when to be demanding, but also when to be agreeable, when to offer suggestions to move the case along, and when to listen. This type of attorney can advocate strenuously when called upon, but can compromise when the situation calls for it.
More often than not, a pit bull attorney will only succeed in making your case drag out longer and at a higher cost to you, both financially and emotionally.
Michael Sherman, an estate planning and family law attorney in Alabama, wrote an insightful article on this very topic: ”The Style of your Divorce Lawyer: The Lamb, the Pit Bull and the Fox.”
In his article, he wrote:
The lamb is the lawyer that just sort of goes with the flow. They are reactive, not proactive. They want to avoid confrontation at all costs and that means they also want to avoid going to court at all costs, even if it means convincing their clients to settle for significantly worse terms than they should. The lamb may even be afraid to try the divorce case. He will rarely, if ever, tell his client that he should not sign a settlement offer that is being extended from the other side even if that offer is clearly inequitable. Thankfully, there are not a lot of lambs that last very long as divorce lawyers.
Much more prevalent is the pit bull, who is exactly the opposite. They hate to settle cases. In fact, some of them won’t do anything proactive to try to settle their divorce cases. It is almost as if they take some type of perverse joy in seeing the “blood running in the streets.”
The pit bull is aggressive for the sake of being aggressive, not for any long-term benefit it brings their client. Often people going through divorce will think they need an aggressive lawyer to represent them in their divorce. They are wrong. What they need is a lawyer who is assertive. There is a difference. It is the difference between the pit bull and the fox.
The fox is wise and cunning. He sees the big picture. The fox is assertive when he needs to be, compromising when it benefits his clients’ long-term best interests, and always aware of the many different consequences his actions have on his clients. He stands on principle. Yet, he is a strong advocate for his client when it promotes his client’s long-term best interests. He recognizes that reaching a fair settlement is always preferable to trying the case and leaving it up to the judge. Yet, he also knows that if a fair settlement is not forthcoming, then he must be willing and able to prepare to effectively litigate the case in court.”
Mr. Sherman wisely recommends that clients look for a fox. I couldn’t agree more.
A friend recently shared an article by Kathy Read “Regrets of a stay-at-home mom”. I found this article to be a very honest view of a woman in a situation that I believe many of my clients can relate to. I have seen many cases where a woman has opted to stay at home with her children, only to be confronted with a financial crisis during her divorce. She probably has been out of the work force for quite some time and is now being told that she needs to go back to work to begin the daunting task of supporting herself.
I don’t think that the majority of mothers take a potential divorce into consideration when opting to stay-at-home. They have their children’s best interests in mind and make the very difficult decision to stay home with their children. Of course, many stay-at-home mothers are good maintenance candidates in a divorce, however, the maintenance received probably will not cover all of her expenses. Also, she will be expected (most likely if she is under the age of 55) to go back to work to become self-supporting.
This article had me thinking about taking into consideration all possible scenarios when making life altering decisions such as this one.
If you are contemplating going through a divorce, consider reading Mira Kirshenbaum’s Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. Her book provides a diagnostic approach for you to evaluate whether or not to leave your marriage.
Instead of weighing the pros and cons of the relationship against each other like most of us would do, Ms. Kirshenbaum offers up 36 questions that you can answer with a simple yes or no. She then explains how your answer for each question can help you determine if your relationship should continue. The questions start with the most serious and clear “deal breakers” and then get into the finer details as you progress through the questions.
Ms. Kirshenbaum’s recommendations are based on real-life experiences of multiple couples. She shares the perspectives of spouses who have made decisions to stay or to leave in each of the 36 scenarios reflecting afterward as to whether the individuals ultimately feel a sense of relief or regret about the choices they made.
While you should not take Ms. Kirshenbaum’s or anyone’s recommendations and opinions lightly, her examples and book may provide helpful insights into your complicated relationship.
