1. The Kitchen Table. You and your spouse negotiate all of the issues with each other, before either of you files with the court.  Often, when all of the agreements have been reached, one of you hires an attorney that represents only that person to prepare the required documentation for filing with the court. It is possible however, to file the divorce yourself without an attorney. While I do not recommend that you file yourself, many courts, including St. Louis County in Missouri, have forms available online to obtain a divorce. This option is most suited for couples who do not have a high level of conflict, and where both spouses fully understand the finances and property and have a high level of trust between them.

   Advantages: Quick and inexpensive

   Disadvantages: No professional advice from an attorney (or only one spouse obtains professional advice) of legal rights and options; no formal method of information gathering (“discovery”) to ensure your spouse is being honest with financial information

2. Mediation. You and your spouse have a series of meetings with a trained mediator (who is also a family law attorney), who does not represent either of you, to negotiate and reach agreements in your case. The mediator’s role is to advise you of the law facilitate negotiations, help generate options, draft the final Separation Agreement, and, if you have children, draft the Parenting Plan. Both spouses are advised to consult with their own respective attorneys during the process but are not required to do so. This option is best suited for couples who do have disagreements but are committed to resolving them outside of court and need the assistance of an unbiased neutral to help reach agreements.

   Advantages: No court involvement; structured negotiation process; couple has control over all decisions

   Disadvantages: Could become costly if you pay a mediator and two attorneys; a spouse that is controlling and/or abusive may take advantage of the other spouse during the process (i.e., there is an imbalance of power); no formal method of discovery

3. Litigation. Unfortunately, this is the currently the most common option divorcing couples choose. One spouse files a Petition for Dissolution of Marriage in court. Both spouses hire an attorney. Most often, this is an adversarial process where, if you and your spouse do not agree, the judge makes the final decision after a trial. The attorneys do most of the heavy lifting in this option by preparing the case and arguments, engaging in settlement negotiations and handling any court motions. This option is most suited for couples who have very low trust and no interest in resolving issues out of court. It is also suited for situations where one spouse has been in control of the finances as it provides for discovery.

   Advantages: Formal discovery is available, i.e. subpoenas, depositions; temporary motions may be filed (e.g., restraining orders, child support, and maintenance)

   Disadvantages: Often the most expensive option; adversarial couples become more so, eliminating any chance of a successful co-parenting relationship; the judge, who doesn’t know you or your family, makes all of the decisions for you so you have no control over the outcome; deadlines and scheduling are based on the court’s schedule, not yours

4. Collaborative Practice. The couple and collaborative law professionals have a series of meetings in a non-adversarial setting. An attorney specifically trained in Collaborative Law represents each spouse. The couple has the option of retaining other professionals trained in Collaborative Law to assist in the process, including mental health professionals, financial professionals and a child specialist. This process addresses the legal, financial and emotional issues of the divorce. The entire team signs agreements to work collaboratively with each other to problem solve, gather information and explore options.  All agreements are reached before being processed through the court. This option is most suited for couples who are interested in resolving their issues outside of court in a non-adversarial way and may be interested in the help of trained mental health and financial professionals.

   Advantages: Uses a team approach to ensure that everyone is working towards resolving the issues in a non-adversarial, respectful manner; couple has the advice of a team of professionals to cover all aspects of divorce: legal, financial and emotional; couple is in control over the outcome of their process; no court involvement; couple learns strategies in communicating and continuing their post-divorce relationship

   Disadvantages: If an agreement cannot be reached (which is very rare), the couple has to retain two new attorneys and incur more legal fees; may incur higher costs depending on how many professionals are involved; if one spouse is not negotiating in good faith, the process is compromised; no formal method of discovery

Whichever option you chose for your divorce process, make sure you are educated and informed about all of the options.

Posted by Attorney Sophya Qureshi Raza. Raza practices family law where she effectively guides clients through dissolution of marriage, modifications of prior judgments, and resolving child custody and paternity disputes. She also helps families with legal guardianships and conservatorships for the elderly and disabled.

Sophya Qureshi Raza, a private attorney who practices family law in the St. Louis region, said she has seen an increasing number of instances over the past year, including three she handled.

The worst of them, she said, involved a husband in St. Louis County who downloaded software into his wife’s phone to show her location and record her conversations. The wife found out, Raza said, by finding a purchase receipt under couch cushions.

Raza, a partner at Danna McKitrick, successfully argued that the husband’s actions constituted stalking under Missouri’s adult abuse law and required a protective order, the same result as in her other two cases.

But most often, she said, judges allow such tracking in divorce cases, unless there is a clear threat or harassment.

“I think it’s a case where the statute hasn’t caught up with technology,” the lawyer said.

Read the full article here.

The holidays are a busy time for family law attorneys, with parents often butting heads over holiday plans, visitation schedules, winter vacations, out-of-town travel, family events…the list goes on and on.

Keep these tips in mind to decrease not only the anxiety surrounding the holidays, but hopefully your lawyer bills as well:

1. Plan Ahead.If you haven’t looked at that Parenting Plan in a while, now may be a good time. Make sure you understand what the plan provides in terms of the holidays and winter vacations. If you and your ex-spouse are on good terms, do you need to have any discussions about times/days of visitation and make any adjustments? More stress is added when these things are addressed at the last minute. If you’re not on good terms, send a confirmation email to your ex-spouse confirming your understanding of the Parenting Plan. If there is going to be a problem, better to find this out early.
2. Inform Your Children. Let your children know well in advance what the plans are for the holidays and where they will be for which days. Make sure you have confirmed the schedule with your ex-spouse first to help alleviate any issues. Children do better when there are no surprises.
3. Be Flexible. Because out-of-town visitors cannot control their travel arrangements, last-minute changes may arise. It’s important to be flexible and accommodating. Helping to encourage your children’s relationships with all family members is in their best interests.
4. Stay Positive.Keeping a positive attitude even though you are anxious and sad about not spending all of the holiday time with your children will help lessen any anxiousness your children feel. Your children shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for enjoying spending time with the other parent’s family. Encourage your child to tell you about the fun time they had with your ex-spouse and the presents they receive. Remember, holidays are supposed to be fun. Keep in mind that holiday blues are inevitable and, if necessary, seek support from family and friends, not your children.
5. Create New Traditions. Your children may be feeling sad that old traditions are not followed anymore, e.g., going to your ex-spouse’s parents’ house for Christmas Eve. Create new traditions the children can participate in and enjoy.

Being prepared for the holidays well in advance can really cut down on any unnecessary arguing, potentially reduce attorney’s fees, and help ensure everyone has a great holiday season.

Posted by Attorney Sophya Qureshi Raza. Raza practices family law where she effectively guides clients through dissolution of marriage, modifications of prior judgments, and resolving child custody and paternity disputes. She also helps families with legal guardianships and conservatorships for the elderly and disabled.

Often, a situation arises where neither of a child’s biological parents is able to care for the child. It then becomes necessary for a non-parent to take legal steps to be appointed guardian or custodian of the child.

The terms “guardianship” and “third-party custody” are often used interchangeably. However, although the concepts are similar, it is important to be aware of the differences between guardianship and third-party custody to know which option fits your needs if you find yourself in this situation.

The major differences between guardianships and third-party custody are as follows:

• Guardianships
• Guardianships are filed in Probate Court.
• The potential guardian must prove that the parent(s) is/are unfit, unwilling or unable to care for the child.
• A guardianship requires an annual reporting to the Probate Court as to the well-being of the child.

• Third-party Custody
• Third-party custody petitions are filed in Family Court.
• Third-party custody petitions may only be brought when a divorce or other custody proceeding is already pending.
• A potential third-party custodian must prove that “each parent is unfit, unsuitable or unable to be custodian, or the welfare of the child requires, and it is in the best interests of the child” to be placed in the potential custodian’s care. (Mo. Rev. Stat. § 452.375.5)
• Third-party custody does not require annual reporting to the Court.

It is important to be aware that neither process requires termination of parental rights of the biological parents. Other important differences between the two court actions are:

• A legal guardianship remains in place unless a parent petitions for the guardianship to be set aside. The court must then make a finding that the biological parent is now fit, willing and able to care for the child, and it is in the best interests of the child that the guardianship be set aside.
• A judgment for third-party custody remains in effect until modified by the Family Court.
• Modification of third-party custody requires showing that a change in circumstances of the child or his custodian has occurred and that a modification is necessary to serve the best interests of the child.

In both guardianships and third-party custody, the court is looking out for the best interests of the child. Sometimes that means the child returns to the custody of one or both parents. Other times the child remains with a guardian or third-party custodian. But the decision will always be made by the court with the child’s best interests served.

Posted by Attorneys Sophya Qureshi Raza and Misty A. Watson. Raza practices family law where she effectively guides clients through dissolution of marriage, modifications of prior judgments, and resolving child custody and paternity disputes. She also helps families with legal guardianships and conservatorships for the elderly and disabled. Watson’s practice focus is estate-related: planning, administration, and probate. She creates trusts, wills, financial, and health care powers of attorney, guardianships, and conservatorships.

Because the strict guidelines and rules for eligibility may be overlooked by divorce attorneys, divorced individuals need to understand what benefits they are eligible for when they file for Social Security.

If you want to obtain information regarding your benefits, it is now available on the Social Security Administration’s website. The SSA no longer mails annual statements unless you are a worker age 60 or older. Once you have registered for an account, you may verify your earnings and see your estimated benefits based on when you would retire.

To find out more about how divorced individuals may qualify for Social Security benefits from an ex-spouse, click here to read “Divorce and Social Security” by financial advisor Lisa. M. Gabriel with Axius Financial.

Posted by Attorney Sophya Qureshi Raza. Raza practices family law where she effectively guides clients through dissolution of marriage, modifications of prior judgments, and resolving child custody and paternity disputes. She also helps families with legal guardianships and conservatorships for the elderly and disabled.

Summer vacations is families of divorce is a stressful time for parents and for children. Here are just some of the tips from the article:

• Adhere to the dates in your custody schedule regarding when you have to give notice to the other parent about vacation dates.
• Plan your vacation well ahead of time, keeping in mind that you cannot schedule your vacation around other special days where the other parent has custody, i.e. Mother’s/Father’s Day, the other parent’s birthday, etc.
• Provide the other parent with a phone number where the child(ren) can be reached while on vacation, and vice versa.
• Don’t use the children as messengers. All planning and information regarding the vacations (itineraries, changes in plans, etc.) needs to be communicated directly.
• Allow the children to be excited about the vacation with the other parent.

Click here to read the complete article.

The following advice is contained in her guide for clients going through a divorce:

1. Educate yourself on the divorce, child custody and property/debt division laws in your state.
2. Create a current inventory of all of your financial assets (real estate, investments, household goods, vehicles, retirement plans, cash and other liquid assets) whether owned jointly or separately.
3. Create a list of all current debt, including creditors and amounts.
4. Consider meeting with a financial advisor, such as your accountant or financial planner.
5. Create a file with copies of all relevant documents relating to your situation.
6. Verify the contents of any safety deposit boxes.
7. If you don’t have credit in your own name, obtain and begin using your own credit card.
8. Select a qualified, experienced divorce lawyer.
9. Consider mediation as an option.
10. Decide when, where and how you will talk with your spouse about the decision to divorce.

This is great advice for anyone considering initiating a divorce and very helpful information that should be provided to your attorney.

Posted by Attorney Sophya Qureshi Raza. Raza practices family law where she effectively guides clients through dissolution of marriage, modifications of prior judgments, and resolving child custody and paternity disputes. She also helps families with legal guardianships and conservatorships for the elderly and disabled.

However, there are ways that clients can help to control the costs of their case:

Tip #1: Keep your communications short and sweet.

• Prior to any communication with your attorney, whether via email, telephone or in person,  prioritize your list of questions – and group by topic. This will eliminate the need for your attorney to decipher your questions and then respond, which cuts down on your costs and allows for a quicker response.
• Resist the urge to email or call your attorney daily – or repeatedly throughout the day. As you would imagine, this constant communication will cost you.
• Be sure you understand how your attorney will charge you for emails and phone calls.
• Short, organized communications received as digests on a weekly basis will reduce your costs. Obviously, this does not apply in an emergency situation.
• Utilize your attorney’s secretary for as many non-legal questions as possible, such as court dates, directions to the courthouse, drop offs, misspellings, etc. Their time is non-billable.

Tip #2: Organize your documents.

• Hand your documents over to your attorney in an organized manner – chronologically and by account, property type or subject, where applicable. You will save hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars in paralegal and attorney time.
• Respond promptly when your attorney requests documents from you. When a paralegal or attorney must follow up with a request for information from you, that will cost you.
• The more work you can do, the less your lawyer will charge you.

Tip #3: Before requesting your attorney to handle something for you, determine if it is something you could do for yourself.

• Example: Your spouse says that they have paid the household bills but you do not believe him/her.
• You have two options:
• Option #1: Call your attorney to explain the situation (you are charged for this). Then your attorney has to call the other attorney to bring up the issue (you are charged for this). Your spouse’s attorney has to call his client to discuss the problem (if you end up paying for some of your spouse’s fees, consider yourself charged for this as well).
• Option #2: You call the mortgage company, the utility companies, etc.
• Which is the better option? You have to decide. Option #2 may end up taking an hour of your time, but it was free.

Tip #4: Don’t use your attorney as a therapist.

• If you are having a hard time with your emotions, find a therapist. Attorneys went to law school. They are not trained to be psychologists, nor should they be attempting to act as one.
• Mental health professionals are trained in the area of counseling people going through family crises and are usually a fraction of the cost of an attorney.
• If you do not know where to look, a good place to start is to request a referral from your attorney. Also, your company may offer an employee assistance program (EAP) to get you started with a few free sessions of counseling. Other options include asking your physician, checking with your local churches, or calling your local United Way resource help line.

Tip #5: Be open to compromise – and the goal of getting to the end.

• I am often asked after a trial, “Did you win?” In family law, there are no winners and no losers. Neither party will get 100% of what they are seeking. Most clients have a difficult time with the results of their case, believing that they will find justice at the courthouse. The reality is that if both parties walk away from a case feeling as though they did not get everything they asked for, that means the conclusion is most likely fair. It is all about how you get to the end.
• Decide on what you are and are not willing to compromise and communicate this to your attorney. Identifying these issues will help to keep your fees down. You can spend a lot of money paying your attorney to fight every step of the way. Or you can realize that at the end of the case, no matter how long and hard you fight, you will not get everything you want.

Family law is never a win-win situation, and it costs both sides in the end. However, costs can be kept down if you keep these tips in mind.

Posted by Attorney Sophya Qureshi Raza. Raza practices family law where she effectively guides clients through dissolution of marriage, modifications of prior judgments, and resolving child custody and paternity disputes. She also helps families with legal guardianships and conservatorships for the elderly and disabled.

One reason is simply that people live longer. Some of the marriages that would have ended due to death of a spouse are now ending in divorce.

Sociologists argue that baby boomers are the first generation that entered into marriage with different expectations from previous generations. They looked to marriage as a way to have individual fulfillment as opposed to how well each individual fulfilled their marital roles. Previously, husbands were the providers and wives were the homemakers and child-rearers. There was no thought to separate oneself as distinct from the role of provider or homemaker.

Also, 53% of people over age 50 that are getting divorced have been divorced at least once before. Your risk of divorce in your second marriage doubles between the ages of 50-64. If you are over age 65, the risk quadruples.

Empty nest syndrome seems to play a large role as well. With the children out of the house, people that are unhappily married realize they don’t want to spend the next 25 to 35 years together. And with longer lifespans, one or both spouses – usually the woman –  decide that they want out of the marriage.

It may not be a good decision for them in today’s economy: cost of housing, continuing education, cost for raising children, etc. And there are other risks, too, such as losing close relationships with some or all of the children. As with marriages at any stage, reconciliation is still the best option if at all possible through counseling.

But the women say they are happier divorced. Over 80% rate themselves 5 or higher on a scale of 1-10, with 56% at a level of 8-10.

With that said, all indications are that the trend will continue, and by 2030 there will be 800,000 divorces annually for those in the over-50 age group.

Posted by Attorney Sophya Qureshi Raza. Raza practices family law where she effectively guides clients through dissolution of marriage, modifications of prior judgments, and resolving child custody and paternity disputes. She also helps families with legal guardianships and conservatorships for the elderly and disabled.

This software, available at an annual cost of anywhere from $39.99 to $349 depending on the features purchased, is specifically targeted towards spouses who want to “catch” their cheating spouse.

In very, very tiny print at the bottom of its home page, this company states:

“It is the responsibility of the user…to ascertain, and obey, all applicable laws in their country in regard to the use of…for ‘sneaky purposes’. If you are in doubt, consult your local attorney before using…. By downloading and installing…, you represent that…will be used in only a lawful manner. Logging other people’s SMS messages & other phone activity or installing…on another person’s phone without their knowledge can be considered as an illegal activity in your country.”

This language should be in ALL CAPS at the very top of the page in a huge font! I think that in most states it would be impossible to use this software “in only a lawful manner.” In the state of Missouri, it is illegal to intercept a person’s emails as well as listen to phone calls to which you are not a party. In addition, it is also a crime under federal law to intercept another person’s email.

I argued in this case that the husband’s actions in tracking wife with GPS constituted “stalking” under Missouri’s adult abuse law. And the judge agreed. Several states have taken this position as well. Not only is this stalking, but the husband’s actions in intercepting her emails and text messages are illegal.

What is perhaps most frightening is the only reason the wife discovered that the software had been downloaded on her phone was because she found the actual receipt of the download purchase made by the husband under a sofa cushion. If she hadn’t found this, she would have had absolutely no idea that her privacy was being invaded in such an atrocious manner. The website boasts that a person only need access to the “target” phone for the initial software download. After the download, all settings can be changed remotely. The husband’s installation of this software on his wife’s phone allowed him to receive via email of all of her text messages, call logs and emails, even if she deleted them from her phone.

The moral of this story: beware of websites that are selling this type of software. Just because it’s for sale, doesn’t mean it is legal to use. And don’t let your cell phone out of your sight.

Posted by Attorney Sophya Qureshi Raza. Raza practices family law where she effectively guides clients through dissolution of marriage, modifications of prior judgments, and resolving child custody and paternity disputes. She also helps families with legal guardianships and conservatorships for the elderly and disabled.